Don't Ever Leave
by Seriously-NotReallyMe
Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo has lost everything in his life. Grimmjow, his only and true love, left him. As he stares at the emptiness of Karakura's river, he tries to remember a better time when his lover was still with him. Will he jump? AU, Yaoi, boylove, angst.
1. Chapter 1

**What's up? So hehe, this is my first fanfic. My first Yaoi, my first EVERYTHING. I still don't know how I am gonna do this, but I just kinda needed to get this out. Uhm, Gosh, I'm so nervous. Alright. I wanted to say something: English isn't my first language, so there might be mistakes. Please _tell me_ if you find one. I'd be really grateful.**

**Uhm, this is an experiment. I don't know if I'll ever finish it. It depends on the reactions I get. Review, please? **

**Ah and 43905802 thanks to my friend and RP partner Erin, who readed it and told me to go on. Thank you sweety, it meant a lot 3.**

**Enjoy and review, please! :D**

**M.**

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><p>"I will never forget you"<p>

I take a deep breath as I stare down at the black nothingness that is Karakura's river under my feet. I shiver—it's cold. I am currently clinging to one of the posts that keeps this bridge from falling into the deep and cold water underneath them. That cold water in which I wish I will be drowning soon. I close my eyes. My hair is clinging to my face, orange locks nearly the colour of mud because of the rain that is falling today. I slowly let out the deep breath I'm holding in and try to focus in his last words.

"I will never forget you"

What an asshole.

You left me, Grimmjow. And there's no way you're coming back. Because you are dead. Dead. Like my eyes. Like my heart. I'm sure it stopped beating the moment your father spoke those words to me.

"I'm so sorry, Ichigo."

Another fucking asshole. He could have saved him. But he didn't. He was too busy with his new cute girlfriend to see what his only son got himself into. Fucking gangs. If I wasn't about to die, I'd go kill that motherfucker who did this to my boyfriend.

Ah. The pain. Dammit, I told myself not to say _that 'b' word _again. Well, I guess this will pass soon. The emptiness. The black hole consuming every bit of myself. The dark circles under my eyes. My now skinny and disgusting body. The stingy sensation of the cuts on my wrists as the water washes over them.

It will be over soon. And then I'll see his face again. His blue hair, his grin, his beautiful eyes. I'll have his arms embracing me again, pulling myself together, filling the void in my soul that died with him.

I guess it's okay to think a bit of our relationship. I smile, the first time in what it feels like years. As the corner of my mouth moves up, a salty tear I didn't know it spilled tickles my cheek. I promptly rub it away. No tears. No crying. No thinking.

But...

The first time we met...

I still can remember the first words he spoke to me.

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><p>"What the flying fuck are you doing, Kurosaki?" I opened my eyes to the darkness, and a frown appeared on my face. What on earth... Ah, yeah. I was in class. I lifted my head. I fell asleep in the middle of class. God dammit. My frown only deepened when I saw those fucking blue eyes. Too blue. Fuck.<p>

"Shut the hell up, Grimmjow. It's none of your business." I snapped with a husky voice. What time was it? How long had I been sleeping...?

Oh, did I ever mention how much I hated him at first? Like, truly hate. I couldn't stand him. His blue hair, his grin, his ugly blue eyes. Ugh. I couldn't fucking _stand_ him.

I glanced at the too empty classroom and rolled my eyes, huffing as I sat up to retrieve my bag and head home.

"Well, I just asked so it is now. You were asleep two hours ago when class ended, and now I come back from a fucking detention and see you still sleeping. Do you ever sleep at night?" He was too close. Fuck, Grimmjow. Why were you so interested in me back then? Every time I think of how I treated you...

Yeah, I was the one who hated him. He was somehow, and I will never understand why, really interested in me. One day I asked him, after our first time being intimate together. He told me it was my hair and I scoffed. Oh, God. Do I regret that one too?

"Fuck off; I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone already!" I shoved him away. I still remember reading hurt in those blue eyes that rivalled the sky. But then his expression turned back to his usual smug smirk and I was pissed again. I couldn't hear his reply, but I was sure I really didn't want to.

Damn blue haired asshole.

I went out of the school and headed home. Every step I took, my scowl only deepened. Going back to my house, and then what? It was empty. Mom died five years ago, my father was a retarded prick that hid his pain with childish behaviour, my 11-year-old sister was the fucking mother in my family and my other sister was almost as empty as I was. She didn't tell me. But I knew. We recognize each other, you know? The empty people. The others tell us we're 'depressed', we're 'sad'. But that's not what is wrong with us. We don't have anything inside. Yeah, I know that it sounds wrong, but back then I couldn't give two shits about that. I laughed. I went out with my friends. I fucked girls. I was happy. But I was empty. Like my sister. Like my father.

Like Grimmjow.

By the time I reached my house, Yuzu was already making dinner. It broke my heart seeing her like that. A fucking house-wife at age 11. Disgusting. I dropped my bag at my room and told everyone I wasn't gonna eat tonight. I wasn't in the mood.

Suddenly, my phone went off. What the hell? I stared at the screen. An unknown number. I usually ignore them, but I was curious. It was a text. From a number with too many 6's.

'_Yo, Kurosaki. I'm gonna win yer friendship. I don't care what you think ;)_

_G.-'_

Okay, what the fuck. I wasn't retarded, you know? I knew who that 'G' was. That damn blue haired asshole. Now, what the fuck did he mean with that? 'Win my friendship'? Who did he think he was talking to? I'm not a chick. I considered simply ignoring him, but I was bored. So...

'_Fuck you, Grimmjow. I don't want your friendship. How did you even get my number? Leave me alone, or I'll call the police.'_

I went there. Oh well.

'_Aw, but then I'd be bored. C'mon, Kurosaki. Why do you hate me? Nobody hates me._

_G-.'_

'_Because you're an asshole. That's why.' _I didn't even know why I hated him so much. It was like that since forever.

'_Come out with me this Saturday. I'll make you change your mind. Or are you too scared of me?_

_G.-'_

Okay, fuck you, Grimmjow. Kurosaki Ichigo isn't scared of shit.

'_Fine. But I'll leave if you get too boring.' _I didn't reply to further messages. I just ignored him again.

I remember taking my shirt off and throwing myself against the bed. And then sleeping.

Yeah, this was gonna be an interesting week.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sooo chapter two! Thank you very much for all the reviews and comments! They made me decide to continue this story.**

**Thanks again to my beta Erin (Gaarin96) for reading my progress and telling me to go on 33**

**So, enjoy! **

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A sudden too cold breeze breaks me away from my thoughts. Where was I...? Oh yeah. About to end my life. I sigh, the grip on the post tightening. I wasn't ready. Not yet. I wanted to remember everything about him. As I close my eyes, images of him run around in my head, images that haunted my dreams and my everyday life. Fucking Grimmjow. He was like a demon. He was like a demon the first time we met and he was still a stupid demon after his death. His lips. The way they brushed over mine when he got bored of waiting for me to wake up. His eyes, a shade of blue that darkened to nearly black when he saw my naked body approaching his. His hair, how wild it looked and how soft it was under my fingertips.

It was all gone.

He wasn't going to be back. I wasn't going to hug him, to kiss him, to love him. To let him sleep in my lap as we watched an action film on his sofa and he got bored of it. I wasn't going to be able to lick his neck, find his sensitive spot behind his ear and make him forget when he was suddenly pissed. I wasn't going to feel his skin, his hair, his love under my hands ever again.

Grimmjow is gone. And he promised he wasn't gonna leave. Damn you, blue haired liar.

I still love you.

I take a deep breath, blinking my eyes open to the wild rain that is getting me completely soaked. Not that it matters anymore. I look down. Lift my feet and...

A sudden memory stops me from falling. Another smile? He was still making me smile when I was at my worst even if he was _dead? _More tears. Fuck, no. Don't cry, Ichigo. Grimmjow didn't like tears. He always kissed them away.

Where are you now, Grimmjow? I need you to embrace me and make me feel better. I need you to make me forget these two months without you.

I need my heart back.

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The moment I opened my eyes the next day I regretted agreeing with Grimmjow to go out with him. What the fuck was I thinking? It was Grimmjow motherfucking Jaegerjaquez! I hated him!

I didn't even know why back then. But now I do. I hated that blue haired asshole because I was attracted to him. And I didn't understand because dammit, I wasn't a faggot. I liked girls. I got aroused watching hetero porn and jerked myself off thinking of girls. Not Grimmjow. Not at all.

He made me feel confused, and whenever I was confused, I masked it with rage.

I pushed myself off the bed and shuffled towards the bathroom to get a quick shower before heading to class. The only thought in my mind that moment was how I was gonna tell Grimmjow to forget about this Saturday, that I didn't want shit to do with him that day.

I stepped under the spray of water, turning it almost all the way to hot and closed my eyes, imagining the scene. His brows furrowing, his mouth turning down to marry the frown on his face. His strong arms crossing over his chest. His sad reaction.

I opened my eyes to see my member saluting me. What. The. Hell. How did THAT even happen? I was just thinking about Grimmjow's reaction and then... Ugh. Well, I was rock hard. What do you expect me to do? I wrapped my hand around myself and closed my eyes, imagining boobs and curves and feminine hips.

Ah, that was better. But time passed and I... Well, I wasn't able to finish. That happens sometimes, you know? Maybe the fantasy isn't as good as you think it is. I was almost... almost...

And then blue. Motherfucking blue all over me. Strong hands, powerful legs, prominent muscles and I was coming.

And it felt amazing.

That only made me more confused and therefore, I hated Grimmjow even more. Like it was his fault.

I washed my hand and turned the water off, completely irritated. I headed to my room without even bothering throwing a towel on—I was lucky my sisters were downstairs that morning. I dressed myself up and went to the kitchen to grab a toast. I only grunted in greeting to my family, because I was pretty much pissed off.

As I approached school, my rage only grew.

And then, blue again.

"Mornin' Kurosaki!" I turned around. Narrowed my eyes at him, the reason of my confused mind.

"The fuck is that face for? You're not happy to see me..?"

I punched the grin away from his face.

I remember his face. It still makes me laugh, even now, at the verge of death; it made the slightest giggle escape my lips. I close my eyes, for once trying to forget about the wild water under my feet and concentrate on that face. Yeah, that was probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

He fell on his fucking ass, legs sprawled. Eyes widely open as he stared at me, dumbfounded. He grabbed at his nose, prodding it as if trying to see if it was broken. I blinked down at the sight; somehow, it didn't felt right. Grimmjow was known for his short temper, his anxiety for destruction. He broke things. He broke people.

I think that is the secret reason we were attracted to each other in the first place. We were empty, we were alone. Not literally alone; I had my friends and he had his, but they didn't mean shit at the end of the day.

I think we were kind of looking for each other, looking for another one who could fill our emptiness, who could make that stupid lonely sensation to go away.

Anyway, back to the glorious fall. I was staring down at him with a blank face, but something wasn't right. Where was the rage he was known of? Where was the kicking, punching, breaking he always did? I heard things. Things he did to people who didn't look at him the right way. And I fucking punched him.

I frowned. I didn't like it. I wanted the passion he oozed when he fought. Suddenly concerned and internally wondering if I managed to damage his brain, I took a step forward and leaned in.

"Grimmjow, are you—" But I couldn't finish my sentence. The sneaky bastard. One second I was looking down at surprised eyes and the next I was pressed against a wall, a strong arm cutting off my breathing and a pair of the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen glaring draggers in my skull. Oh god, they were so fucking _breathtaking. _They were burning, burning with rage, burning with confusion, burning with pride.

Burning with hurt.

"You listen good, you motherfucking asshole," He husked to me, his voice a low and threatening growl, words spilled with venom. "No one touches my face. I kill whoever _dares _to breathe near it. What should I do to you, huh?"

"Grimmjow, I can't... Fuck, I can't breathe!" I struggled against him, but it was futile. God damn, how strong was he? I was starting to feel very tired, black spots appearing in front of my vision. No, go away; I want to see his eyes.

That seemed to click something in his brain, because the next thing I remember is falling to my knees as he took several steps backwards, horrified.

I met his eyes, panting, and let my back rest against the wall as I regained my breath.

The poor thing was scared. Now I understand him—he just couldn't control himself. I used to help him when we were together and he got this kind of rage fits. I grabbed his face and forced his eyes on mine, rubbing his cheekbones until the fire in his eyes died down. He always kissed me afterwards, pressing those silky and moist lips against mine, as if apologizing, as if thanking me. It always took my breath away. He had that effect on me.

"Ichigo, I—" He started. I blinked; that was the first time he called me by my first name. I didn't even think he knew it.

I didn't say a thing, just stared at him. I was angry, of course I was, but it was part my fault. I punched him out of nowhere. Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. What the hell did I expect? Him running around and apologizing? Fuck no. That reaction was completely normal, at least on him.

"I almost died, you asshole!" I tried to stand on my feet, retrieving my bag and hanging it on my shoulder. Grimmjow narrowed his eyes at me and then sneered. Why was he so suddenly pissed? God, his mood changes. He was known by those too. As I tilted my head in confusion, he started to leave. I didn't follow him because fuck, he was angry. Very, very, _very _angry. I could see it in his body language, the way he walked. His fists clenched so tightly I was surprised no to see blood coming between his fingers.

I shrugged my shoulders and when I was sure I wouldn't just fall to the ground, I started to the school.

The first hour passed normally. Maths had always bored me. I remember stealing glances at Grimmjow, who was still visible pissed. God, did he even relax for a second?

I thought about the encounter. Okay, I understood why he reacted that way. I was an asshole. But fuck, did he need to react like that?

After a few long minutes of staring off to the blackboard and taking a few notes without even knowing what I was writing, I decided I should go to at least talk to him. I mean, yeah, it wasn't his fault he made me so confused about myself, even if I didn't know already. Besides, I didn't like that expression on his face. I hated to admit that I preferred the smug, informal Grimmjow than the angry, utterly pissed off one.

So yeah, I'd go talk to him at lunch. He always sat alone. His 'friends' were older—they didn't even go to school anymore; and people at school were too scared to go and befriend with him. So that was my perfect opportunity to, ugh, apologize.

I glanced at the clock, only two more hours. Zaraki-sensei was so awful at teaching I didn't even bother paying attention. I started to imagine how the conversation could go. What I'd do, what I'd say...

Time passed.

When the lunch bell finally rang, I watched as a certain blue haired teen jumped out of his desk and headed out of the classroom, still pretty much pissed. Damn, just, what the fuck was wrong with him? I couldn't believe it. I glanced over my shoulder at Tatsuki, who gave me a bored look and tilted an eyebrow. I shrugged and told her I wasn't having lunch with them today before running away. If they started bitching at me that moment, I would never get to talk to Grimmjow.

Wait, why was I that eager to talk to him? I slowed down my steps. I was suddenly in a hurry, as I could see. I shouldn't give a crap about what happened this morning. I mean, it was him the one with anger management problems.

But then, the hurt in those sky-blue eyes I saw the moment he fell came creeping into my mind again. Damn him. I sighed, finally stepping into the cafeteria. I raked the room with my eyes until I spotted striking blue hair and sighed again, suddenly very flustered. Okay, I wasn't a chick, so I grew some balls and stalked towards him. He was glaring at an apple, as if trying to dig holes in it with only his gaze. I remember sliding into the seat in front of him and smiling despite myself. He was so concentrated in the piece of fruit he didn't even notice me. I coughed, trying to get his attention.

The smirk that adorned my lips fell completely into an almost frown as the most angry and hurt eyes I have ever seen met with my surprised chocolate ones. He was just pissed someone had woke him up from his thoughts, because the glare died down into an unreadable expression once he acknowledged who was sitting in front of him. I cleared my throat, glancing away from him. I suddenly wasn't able to look at him. My heart was beginning to beat too fast and I felt my body heat up with only his eyes studying my face.

"So... Grimmjow..." I started, not really knowing what the fuck came next. "I, uhm, I—"

"I understand." Simply. _What? _He understood? What the hell did he understand? I frowned, feeling rage build in my insides and finally turned my face to look at him.

And I saw it. He really _did _understand. He really knew what was going on inside my head. What I wanted to say. That I wanted to apology for punching him. That I was still angry at him for reacting like that.

That I was just a confused dumbass who still didn't know what my feelings were doing with myself every time he came into view. Well, I didn't know this one back then because I was still convinced I was straight as a stick, but somehow Grimmjow _knew _about my confusion masked with rage.

Now I allow myself to wonder if that was the real reason Grimmjow was so persistent with me back then. Maybe. Maybe not. I will never have the opportunity to ask him again, anyway.

God, how I missed him.

I snap back to reality as I hear a car speed by, but it was dark enough for it not to notice me. I sigh in relief and then frown at my last action. Am I really going to do this? Kill myself? End everything? I lean back slightly. Yes. Yes, I am going to do it because I _can't _live in a world without him

Call me a coward, I don't give a fuck.

I know I am one. But I don't want to keep living like this. I will never recover. I know. Because you can't fucking recover from something like this.

And my sisters? My father? My friends? I'm hurting them now. More than my death will hurt them. Because they can do it. They are strong and they will be able to get over this easily.

At least that's what I hope.

Ah, I am not here to be thinking of them. I am here to think of Grimmjow and then go meet him again. Because I know he'll be waiting. He told me he would never forget me.

Okay, so Grimmjow _knew _and that scared me shitless. I gulped at his face and, for the first time in hours, he smirked. And that damn smirk made my heart dance a fucking tango in my chest.

"Aren't you gonna eat anything, Kurosaki?" He asked me, eyeing the empty space in front of me where it should've been a tray. I look down and blink a few times.

"Uhm, no, eh. I'm not hungry."

"Are we still hanging out this Saturday?"

Ah, the reason why I came to talk him in the first place. I wanted to tell him to fuck off. I didn't want to go out with this dumbass. I looked into his eyes with a determined expression and then...

"Yeah."

_Fuck everything. I'm retarded._


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello! So FINALLY an update :U sorry for the long wait, but half-way through this chapter my laptop went bye bye. The hard drive kinda exploded, and I lost everything u_u but luckily, the technicians managed to retrieve everything (including this fic). I didn't know if I finally lost everything or what, so I was afraid to start it over again. It sounds silly, I know, but the scene of Ichigo's anxiety was very... meaningful to me. I know what he does is a kinda strange thing to do, but meh, it works for me.**

**ANYWAYS, I leave you guys this chapter. Sorry for the long wait, I'll try to update more often from now on.**

**As always, big thanks to my beta, Erin c:**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><em>Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly<em>_  
><em>_Hopelessly I'll give you everything__  
><em>_But I won't give you up__  
><em>_I won't let you down__  
><em>_And I won't leave you falling__  
><em>_If the moment ever comes_

[Endlessly – Muse]

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><p>My legs are shaking. Wait, no. My whole body is shaking. I fear I'd slip (that's kind of ironic, I know, but I'm not done remembering my dead boyfriend yet) so I manage to sit, my feet dangling out and swinging like I was a kid.<p>

How I wish I was a kid again.

I mean, yeah. I wouldn't know Grimmjow, but I wouldn't be suffering either. Plus, mom would also be alive.

Thinking of my mom makes me more depressed. I grit my teeth and close my eyes, the idea of just jumping suddenly becoming a really good one.

No. No, no, no. Wait, Ichigo. I don't want to jump into the nothingness without Grimmjow in my head.

My breath is coming out in shudders. I'm panting heavily. Why?

And suddenly, the _pain._

It is unbearable. Like someone is ripping my chest open and stepping on my heart. It's constant and blunt. I can't hear my heart anymore. I can't breathe. I feel my cheeks wet, but not from the rain. From the sweat. From the tears. From the pain that oozes out of every pore.

I want to die.

In my head, there's only one thought. _Grimmjow, I love you, where are you? Why did you leave me? I can't go on like this. I miss you. _It repeats itself like a mantra. Over and over and over again. It's making me sick.

What is this? I've never felt like this over the two months I've been without you. Yeah, it hurt. But not like this. It seems that the beloved numbness decided it was a good idea to leave me alone and stop covering the real pain. Fuck, I can't breathe. I close my eyes and try to take deep, noisy breaths. I open my eyes –When did I close them?— and see my right hand clutching tightly my soaked shirt, as if trying to keep my chest from falling into the river. My hand hurts because it's so cold tonight. And I'm strong, you know? I feel my joints protest under the pressure and a stingy pain shoots up my arm. I focus on that sensation. Focus. Focus. C'mon, Ichigo. How it runs up my arm. How my knuckles creak. How my shirt is lifting and exposing my abdomen. _Anything _that keeps me away from the hole in my chest that seems to be consuming me.

I took another deep breath, finally calming down. The numbness is back. God, I shouldn't be happy, but I don't give a fuck. I finally release my shirt and open my eyes. My hand is shaking violently, and god it _hurts. _But this pain feels like heaven compared to the one in my chest from a few seconds ago.

Grimmjow, what are you doing to me?

I sigh again, staring at the water between my feet. I don't blink, so my eyes quickly become watery from the cold air. I don't care. I let the tears slip down my cheeks, not bothering in rubbing them away this time.

I wonder, what would Grimmjow do if he was in my situation?

Say Grimmjow, would you also try to kill yourself to meet me again? I think I already know the answer. He wasn't a coward. He would have faced life and the shit it throws you in the face, even if your heart and the very reason of your existence are taken away from you.

That thought only makes me feel worse. I'm disgusting. Grimmjow would be ashamed of me.

Should I get back home?

But the moment that last thought crosses over my mind, a deep and scary fear washes over me. No, no, I can't do that. I can't get back to the _pain. _ To the pitiful glances of my father. To the knowing looks of Karin. To Yuzu's meals full of love and concern that made me want to throw up. I didn't deserve them. No, wait. They didn't deserve the pain and stress I was causing them from just being in the house. Besides, there's no way I can live without Grimmjow. I just can't. I can't finish school—the last time I went was the day Grimmjow's father told me he was dead. I can't find a job. I can't find _someone else _to start a new life with_._

I'm useless.

"You're not useless, Ichigo."

I nearly jump at the sudden voice. It was Grimmjow's. What the hell? Was he now talking to me in my head? God, I'm completely gone. I close my eyes and focus on his words, on the memory of when I broke down in front of him.

I stuttered shit, tears running down my face. I don't even remember what the hell made me feel like that. I just want to think of the way Grimmjow looked at me, at my tears. Yeah, he really didn't like them. He stepped closer, cupping my face and forcing me to look into his eyes. He leaned over and then my tears were on his lips. I wasn't crying anymore. I remember grasping his shirt tightly, and then he kissed me. Slowly, sweetly, soothingly. It was salty with my tears. It made me forget.

Grimmjow, I want you to make me forget now.

I sigh, kinda relieved that my previous mood is back. I think it's safe for me now to keep remembering him.

Oh, our first 'date'. Though I would have puked if someone dared to call it a date back then.

I lean back, letting out a deep breath. I didn't even notice I was practically bent over, nearly falling down into the water.

Mmm. The day I confirmed Grimmjow I'd go with him that same weekend, I spent the rest of lunch time with him. I didn't even know why, but suddenly my friends seemed pretty boring. I mean, except from Chado, everyone else just _bored _me. So that day I just decided to stay with Grimmjow. Because at least he was kinda interesting.

"Yeah."

I remember his shit-eating grin. God dammit just, how many teeth did he have? He was like a shark. Wait, no. Not a shark. I studied him further. His movements. How he walked. How his eyes moved. He wasn't a shark. He was more like a feline.

I found myself licking my lips. And I felt heat rise up my cheeks when Grimmjow's eyes followed my tongue's movement. Ugh.

"Awesome. So..." Grimmjow's gaze moved up to meet my eyes, and my face turned another shade of embarrassing red. I was so thankful he didn't tease me for that. At least he didn't do it immediately. Damn him. "What do ya think of bowling?"

I was awful at bowling.

"I don't-"

"I bet you're awful at bowling." Another grin. God, he could read my mind already back then?

"Wha- No! I'm really good, actually!"

"You're blushing."

How observant.

"Shut up! I'm not!" I was quite confused because _god _conversations with Grimmjow were... Fast. He was constantly changing the subject. Like he lost interest quickly in what he was talking. Woah...

"I'm so flattered, Kurosaki." Why did my heart stung at the sudden use of my last name? He called me Ichigo that same morning...

"Fuck you."

"Anytime."

"What?" I tilted my head as my eyes went wide and I couldn't help the stupid question slip from my lips. He only laughed loudly, a few heads turning in our direction. Stupid bastard. He was making fun of me, and now I know he was _really _amused by my reaction.

"See you in class, Kurosaki." He stood up and fucking _walked away_. Okay, what the hell? I narrowed my eyes at his retreating form, making sure he felt my glare on his back.

I turned my eyes back to the table as soon as Grimmjow disappeared around a corner. There was his apple. Untouched. I snorted, reaching out to grab it. I suddenly felt really hungry.

"Fucking bastard."

I ate Grimmjow's apple before heading to class too. Yeah, that day was gonna be a big day.

I didn't even like apples back then, you know? I still don't. But I ate that one. I hated to admit I liked its flavour, and maybe that's the reason why I didn't eat any more apples since then.

I had an apple before coming here. Well, half of it. The other half is still in my hand. I stare down at it and let out a pained sigh. I'm not hungry. I think of Yuzu's reaction to me leaving food on the plate and allow myself to let out a little sound that sounds almost like a chuckle. Poor girl. I stare up at the clouded sky, blinking as some of the rain that is falling with less force than before falls into my eyes. I absentmindedly lift my hand and start nibbling on my apple, thinking of the rest of that day.

Grimmjow didn't even bother to look at me the rest of the day. And that pissed me off. And being pissed off by that pissed me off even more because _dammit_ that shouldn't bother me. I hated Grimmjow, remember? At least that was what I thought.

I tried to talk to him again at the end of the day despite myself, but he was already gone. I didn't even register him leaving. Pffft, whatever.

The rest of the week went the same, this time being Grimmjow the one _ignoring me _and _me_ trying to silently get his attention (you know, walking in front of him, glancing at him every five minutes, talking a bit louder so he could hear...), but nothing worked. I know he was playing with me. Taunting me. Making me want more. And damn him, but it worked.

Friday came, and Grimmjow still refused to talk to me. I was about to snap, already planning what to say and how. I'd go see him at lunch and tell him I didn't want shit to do with him. Yeah that'd do. He'll regret ignoring me.

My train of thoughts was broken as a big hand landed on my desk. I jolted, looking up slowly at a broad chest, muscled neck, moist and full lips, straight nose and finally, striking blue eyes.

"'Sup, Kurosaki. Like what ya see..?" _Fuck. _Did he catch me checking him out? WAIT. I wasn't checking him out, was I?

"Not specially." Liar.

"Aw, that hurts." He made a sad face, clutching at his shirt dramatically. That movement made his shirt lift up a little and expose some of his tanned abdomen. My eyes dropped automatically. I gulped. _Oh god._

"W-what the hell do you want?" I forced myself to look back up again at the other's eyes, and once again, hid my nervousness and confusion with anger. I glared at him.

"Woah, calm your tits, Kurosaki. Just wanted to tell you I'll pick you up tomorrow at 6. No need to look at me like that, dammit."

"Whatever, asshole."

"Yeah, yeah, _asshole. _But you're still coming with me." I wanted to punch his grin away from his face.

"I fucking hate you."

"I know."

"I wish you disappeared" Oh, haha old me. How ironic.

"Yeah."

"Douche bag."

"Mhmm."

"Asshole."

"You're repeating yourself."

"Tomorrow at 6?"

"Yup."

"Okay. Now, get the hell out of here."

"See ya!"

* * *

><p>Saturday morning I woke up earlier than usual. I was somehow really excited with my dat—with the hang out with Grimmjow that evening. I padded downstairs and greeted Yuzu with a smile. She looked at me weird. Poor girl. When she finally got used to my smiling face when I began with Grimmjow, he died. Sitting on the precipice of death now, I sigh. I wish he was back. So I could make her happy by being happy myself.<p>

Trying to get away from those thoughts, I concentrate on that Saturday.

The day went normally, and finally the time to get ready arrived. I took a shower, spent 20 minutes looking for something nice to wear that night and by the time I was done, Grimmjow was already knocking on the door. Afraid that my sisters (or even worse, _my father_) would open the door, I grabbed my phone, keys and wallet and ran downstairs, waving my family goodbye as I stepped out of the house, running face-first with Grimmjow's broad chest.

Fucking hell.

I promptly took a step back, cursing my blushing face as Grimmjow cackled like the retard he was.

"You know what? Fuck you. I'm going back home."

"Nah, wait, Kurosaki. I was just kidding, dammit. Come here. Don't be like that."

I glared at him. He returned me a, for once, serious expression and I sighed.

"Okay, let's get over with this shit.

We walked to the bowling alley. I was getting nervous because I was _really _bad at bowling. Why the fuck had I accepted to go there with him? I think Grimmjow noticed, because the first times I completely failed to knock a single pin he didn't laugh. Well, he _tried _not to laugh. I could see the bastard holding back his chuckles. That made me more and more frustrated. And the more frustrated I was, the worse I played.

"You aren't holding it right."

"Wha—Shut up. I am."

"If you stopped being a stubborn brat, I could teach you how."

"I ain't being stubborn." But I was. And I really needed the help. "Fine. Teach me how, _sensei._" I spat the last word with sarcasm and resentment, but it seemed to have a different effect on Grimmjow that I planned. I saw him gulping and shifting uncomfortably.

I didn't understand what the hell was wrong with him with that reaction. But now I do. You see, my boyfriend was really silly. He—Wait. I am not going to tell you such details of our sex life.

Back to the bowling day, Grimmjow _oh so casually _slipped his palm against the back of my hand. I gasped because that simple touch sent a torrent of emotions and a sensation like electricity up my arm and to my cheeks. Yeah, I flushed madly. I glanced at him and he smirked back. Twisting my hand and practically stroking every one of my fingers, he made me hold the ball right.

"You don't need to run to make it better, you know."

I furrowed my brows. I was flushing so bad I feared my face would light up in flames. I said nothing.

"Just... A slow movement. As if you were stroking a cat, you get me, Kurosaki?" His warm hand was still holding mine. I could feel his hot breath against my ear. My earlobe was brushing with his lower lip but somehow, I couldn't bring myself to stop him, to push him away.

"I-I, Grimmjow, I..."

"Shut up." He practically purred into my ear, pulling my hand back in a swift movement. "Now when I tell you, let the ball go, okay?"

"Okay."

Grimmjow then pushed at my hand, and it shot forward in a nearly grace movement.

"Now." I could swear I felt his teeth gracing my ear, I was so damn sure he was—But the ball wasn't in my hand anymore. For once, it managed to keep a steady trajectory. I didn't hit all the pins, but at least I managed to tumble a few.

My face split in a wide grin as I finally knocked more than one or two pins. Yes. I was overexcited. So overexcited I threw myself against Grimmjow. Well, it was a _manly _hug, okay? One of those hugs guys give to each other without touching too many skin.

He laughed and rested his hands on my hips, pushing me away from his body.

"Look who I am warming up to."

Good job, Grimmjow. That kicked me out of my stupid behaviour and made me remember who I was hanging out with.

"Shut the hell up, bastard. I still hate you."

"I know."

God. I _hated _him.

* * *

><p>We spent <em>hours <em>in there, being retarded teens and laughing at each other. I had to admit that I was having fun despite myself, and that Grimmjow was indeed beginning to warm up to me. I still hated him, but not as much as I used to.

And all of that with only hanging out with him once? No wonder how I fell so hard for him.

As I am sitting on this bridge about to jump, the corner of my lips turns down into a frown. What comes next... God, I don't want to think about it.

But, then again, I should. It was part of our relationship development so I guess it is okay to think about it.

* * *

><p>"I'd never thought you'd get this good with only one night of bowling, Kurosaki."<p>

"Shut the hell up, I told you I was good, didn't I?"

"Yeah, only that you were lying then."

"Was not!"

We were walking down the deserted street. It was cold, so we naturally moved close to each other without even noticing it. It was late, but we didn't care. Why would we?

We were laughing as we approached my house when suddenly a voice cracked our train of thought.

"Well, look who we have here..."

I froze. I recognized that voice.

No, please, not here.

Not with him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay! Next chapter! :) Sorry for updating so late, but university is getting serious. I had an exam between this and I only wrote in the 1 hour train trip needed to get from my home to my shared apartment twice a week. I really tried not to sob as I wrote, so you can imagine me pokerfacing all the time and people sending me weird glances LOL.**

**Aaaaand you'll see here new characters :O but you won't recognize one. Kyasarin Tak****ōiz is Erin's OC! She's a really great character, and I love her as much as I love her roleplayer. You can find her on twitter and tumblr. Her username is wingedempress and winged-empress respectively. **

**Ahhh okay, I'll shut up. Review please? :D**

* * *

><p><em>I believed that you'd always be here<em>

'_cause once you promised a life with no fear._

_Please don't break my ideals_

_And say what's fake was always real._

_Hope was the one_

_Now I'm gone_

_Take me back again._

[ Shine (acoustic) – Muse ]

* * *

><p>Him.<p>

I still remember _how _he managed to destroy my childhood.

That white-haired asshole I had to call a cousin.

Every family reunion, every time I had to go to his house or him to mine he made my life an insufferable hell.

I didn't know when I was a kid, but now I know that he was just jealous of me. I don't even know _why. _I mean, at least physically we were exactly the same. We were so look alike it was creepy. He was like a white copy of me.

And he hated me with passion.

* * *

><p>"<em>Kurosaki-kun!"<em>

_Auburn locks flickered with the wind as a big-eyed, pretty little girl chased after a little orange-haired boy. _

_Said boy followed after the girl with an explosion of giggles and little laughs that weren't that manly, but who cares when you are a kid?_

_They seemed to be alone, but if you look closely, you can spot white hair and golden, narrowed eyes nearly glaring at the couple._

_What an awful expression for someone so young._

_The white-haired boy—Shirosaki, called like that by a really inspired mother that disappeared not long after the boy's third birthday – was trying to split in a half his older cousin, Kurosaki Ichigo, with a death glare._

_Why would someone so young want the death of someone of their own family?_

_If you look at the scene, it was pretty obvious why._

_Inoue Orihime and Kurosaki Ichigo were friends. Best friends. You couldn't see the one without the other. Sometimes, when their mothers wanted to go home after a long day of playing at the park, they took each other's hands and simply refused to let go, not wanting to be separated of the other for hours until they saw each other at school the next day._

_Shirosaki was in love with Orihime._

_It'd be strange, knowing the meaning of such big words at the age of 5. You could say he was only a kid, he didn't know what something like that was, and that you can't be in love at that age._

_But if someone that has been in love were in Shirosaki's situation, he could see and tell that the boy was completely, irrevocably and desperately in love with that young girl._

_Orihime, a kind girl that lived with her older brother, didn't really talk to someone like Shiro (not because she was rude, but more like she hadn't had the opportunity to do so), and focused all her attention to the orangette that was her best friend in the world._

_Said orangette didn't know about his cousin's feelings. He only knew that his white copy made his life a hell without an apparent reason. _

_And because of Shiro's obsession with the little girl, he had no friends. The only one that could fill that role was scared of him. And besides, he hated him with burning rage._

_His father, a kind man that had to take care of him and a house and a heart that was broken when his beloved wife left both of them, was desperate to find his son a good friend. And because of that desperation, he always tried to make Ichigo and Shiro's relationship develop by bringing the boy to the park when he knew the other would be there. Of course, Shiro only accepted to go when he knew the object of his obsession would be there (and that was almost always)._

_Back to the scene we left, Shiro was sitting on a tree, thinking of ways and ways of getting rid of his cousin and imagining a life with the red-head girl after doing so. _

_Suddenly, a ball both friend's had been using landed next to the boy's side. He stood up, grabbed it and thought—if it was Ichigo who came after it, he'd kick it away. But if it was Orihime's, he'll kindly give it to her. Maybe that could be a good excuse to get to talk to his goddess. Grinning like he hadn't done in years, he waited, imagining her beautiful hair, her smile, her voice..._

_But it was Ichigo the one that came after it, grinning like the stupid kid he was. God, he hated his cousin. He didn't know what he had between his hands. A girl that he would do __**anything **__to get near her._

_Angry eyebrows nearly knitted together as orange approached white. In a really stupid move he'd regret the rest of his life, the white-haired boy kicked the ball with all his force, sending it flying through the air above Ichigo's and Orihime's heads. _

_He'll never forget the sad expression that ran through the girl's eyes as she followed the ball's trajectory. He'll never forgive himself for making the girl's last expression known be __**that one. **_

_Being the one nearest to the street where the ball fell, she ran without even looking at her sides after her toy. _

_They told them after hours that she died in the impact._

_She probably didn't even feel the hit._

_That was the only thing that helped Shirosaki sleep after all this time._

_Orihime was a queen. And Ichigo was his king. All the white-haired boy wanted was to be the king of her love. _

_And now she was gone._

* * *

><p>I open my eyes. The rain has stopped—for now. The silence is almost unbearable. I bet it's really late. I bet Yuzu is worried sick by now if she isn't sleeping. I smirk. Poor girl. She worries too much about me.<p>

Thinking of Yuzu makes me think of another little girl. Woah. It's been years since I last thought of Orihime. I scowl. Why does it hurt? It's already been like, 13 years since the incident. She wouldn't even look like that now.

She'll always be a little girl.

Will I always be an 18-year-old, then?

I won't go to university. I won't grow a beard as Grimmjow and I promise stupidly. I won't be able to drink my first (legal) beer with him. I won't have kids. I won't die at 180 years as I promised him.

It hurts

But I can't make it alone. My future depends on him. I planned it with him. I can't do it alone, and even less with _someone else_ to fill his void.

Grimmjow.

You ruined my life.

* * *

><p>"Look who we have here."<p>

I felt my shoulders stiffen with _dread. _

I knew he was here. Trying to ruin my life. As always. Despite having the same blood running in our veins, he hated me for a reason I didn't even know.

I was practically shivering. That guy was so fucking scary. He was like, a sadist. You don't even know what things he has done to me. And to other people. He really was _crazy. _

"Who the fuck're you."

I turned my wide, scared eyes at Grimmjow. What the hell was he doing? Was he crazy? Did he want us to get killed? This guy was crazy!

But then again, so was Grimmjow.

And dammit, he looked beautiful. His playful expression from before changed into a death glare I was glad not to be the one receiving it. But Shiro didn't even flinch.

"Oi, king." I didn't even _know _why this freak called me that. I will never understand, either. It was some kind of weird inner-joke he had with himself. "Who is your boyfriend? What's the matter, too scared of going out alone?"

"H-he isn't my—"

"You got a fucking problem with that, snowball?"

Grimmjow, what the hell are you doing? Stop walking closer to him. Stop. Stop.

"You look a lot like Kurosaki. The hell are you, a lost twin?" He snorted. God, why was he so damn relaxed? I couldn't be more scared.

"What did you call me, blue?"

"Are you deaf or something? I called you snowball. 'Cause you're all white and shit. What are you, an albino?"

Oh god. _No one _talked about Shiro's white skin.

If they did, they died.

"Gimmjow—"

"Shut the hell up, king! This fucker wants to get his ass kicked or something."

"Hah! Do you even know who I am, Snowball?"

I saw it. The knife. Oh fuck, oh fuck, Shiro, what the HELL.

"Shiro, stop it dammit!"

But he wasn't gonna stop.

I saw him charge towards a grinning Grimmjow, which was unarmed, what the hell!

I closed my eyes. Stopstopstopstopstop.

And then suddenly a female voice broke the tense silence. I saw sea-green locks and golden eyes flick around the place and then my cousin was pinned to the floor under some beauty's legs. And oh fuck, some really, really tall, weird guy was pointing a _gun _to Shiro's head.

"What the hell! Who the fuck are you? Get off him, dammit!"

"Nnoitra, Kyasarin." Grimmjow was greeting them? The hell was wrong with him? He knew those freaks?

"'Sup, Grimmjow?"

* * *

><p>I have to smile at the thought of those two. I hated one and loved the other. The one I really liked was Grimmjow's best friend, Kyasarin, a really nice girl that was almost as crazy as him. Seriously, <em>the things <em>they've told me about their childhood. I really liked her.

Where are you, Kyasarin? You disappeared the day Grimmjow died. Was his death too much for you too? No, you were strong. Stronger than I'll ever be.

As my mind turns back to that day, my mouth turns down into a frown. Nnoitra. That son of a bitch. Grimmjow hated him, and he hated Grimmjow too.

He was the one that killed my boyfriend.

A sob tears my chest open. Why. Why? He was only trying to have a nice, peaceful life with me. He only wanted to get out.

He could have lived if that... bastard hadn't given him that _final _blow with that weird-shaped knife. He could have survived after the horrible beating up they did to him.

He could be with me right now. We could be embracing each other in my bed.

Grimmjow.

Tell me you're not dead, tell me this is just a big joke, tell me it is just a bad dream. Come get me.

Save me, Grimmjow.

Don't let me die alone.

* * *

><p>"Get the hell off him!" I shouted. What the hell was this weird guy doing? Was he NUTS? He'll kill Shiro!<p>

Yeah, I know he made my life a hell, but dammit, he was my cousin! Even he would be affected if I died.

Right?

"Get off me you bitch! You wanna die?" Shiro was squirming underneath the woman's long legs.

"Grimmjow—"

"Should I kill this fucker, Sexta?"

What?

Grimmjow glanced at me, as if asking me. Was he stupid? Wasn't it pretty obvious? My jaw dropped, and I couldn't find the words to stop him. This was too much.

I heard the click of the gun.

"Fucking hell NO!" I threw myself against that tall fucker, but I found myself unable to move as strong arms held me in place. Then hot breath tickled my ear in a husky whisper I won't forget, no matter how much time passes. "If you do that he's dead, and so are you. This guy is pretty crazy."

"Stop him, Grimmjow." I nearly pleaded. Oh god, oh god I _couldn't _see my cousin die right in front of me. No. Please stop it.

"That's enough, Quinta, let that kid go."

The tall guy reluctantly let go of my white-haired cousin. I saw him stand up and dust off his clothes, his hurt pride oozing out of every pore of his white skin. He glared at me. Oh fucking hell, I was gonna pay for this. I groaned as he turned around and left.

"Grimmjow!" The girl threw herself into his arms. What the hell was this pang of jealousy I suddenly felt?

"Woah, you're hugging me? You sure were worried, huh?" he snorted, grinning like crazy. The hell was wrong with him! That weird guy almost killed Shiro! Why was he so damn calm?

"Enough of touching my girl, Sexta." The dark-haired, tall man sneered at Grimmjow. His girl? Was this woman really going out with _him? _

Grimmjow sneered back at him.

"Calm your tits, stretch. She was worried, okay?" He unwrapped his arms from around her waist and she took a step back, punching her boyfriend's stomach.

"Shut up, Nnoi. I can hug whoever I want, who the hell do you think you are? You don't own me."

I liked this girl.

"Tch." This _Nnoi _guy turned his only eye at me.

"And who're ya? Sexta's new fuck toy?"

Fuck toy?

I scowled.

"What the fuck! Of course not, you big freak! I am not fucking gay!" Grimmjow's eyes were wide. What? What did I just do?

"You little—"

"Stop it, Nnoi! He's just Grimm's friend." Golden eyes locked with my confused ones. Was she a friend? Was she an enemy? Although she pretty much stopped her boyfriend, she was the one that pinned him to the ground and _allowed _that freak to point a gun to his head. But then again, they just saved us.

Ugh.

"C'mon Grimmjow! What are you doing standing there with that face? Go walk your friend home, you big jerk!"

"Augh, dammit, okay, okay! Geez, woman, no need to push me—"

"I'm Kyasarin, by the way. And this big guy from here is Nnoitra. We're Grimmjow's... Uh, friends."

"A-ah. Nice to meet you. I'm Ichigo. Kurosaki Ichigo." I managed to smile. I _really _liked her.

"So heart-warming. Alright. Let's go, Kurosaki." Grimmjow tugged at my wrist and I had to turn and leave with him. What an asshole. But I didn't protest because I wanted to get out of there too.

What an interesting day.

* * *

><p>You might think that kissing on the first 'date' is going a little bit too fast. Even more if that 'date' is between two straight guys (okay, Grimmjow wasn't straight, but I didn't know back then) and one of them <em>hates <em>the other's guts.

But yeah, I don't even know how that happened. Not even now.

I chuckle, a normally happy sound sounding raspy and kind of fake. But well, how do you expect someone to laugh happily when they have their hearts ripped out?

But hey, I am laughing. Because I _freaked out _so damn much back then it's so funny. Grimmjow kept reminding me about the first time I tasted those sinful lips.

"_You kept bitching but you kissed me back! I thought you were going to rip my pants off then and there!" _

That's what he _always _said. And I always punched him in the face afterwards. _"And I bet you wouldn't have stopped me." _Of course not.

We laughed. Embraced each other. I melted on his lips and then we made love. It was always the same. Grimmjow was so damn intense.

I sigh. There's no time to remember things that happened a couple of months ago. It'll be dawn in no time, and then people will try to stop me from jumping and blah, blah, blah. Stupid humans. You don't even understand what I am going through.

I came here to remember how we started.

The tinniest smile stretches my lips as I think of the first time our lips met.

It was so clumsy and perfect. I loved it. Even if I didn't understand back then.

I was so lucky to have you, Grimmjow.

* * *

><p>I walked in front of him, my shoulders so stiffened with my anger I understood why Grimmjow was being so damn silent the entire walk home.<p>

I was utterly pissed with him.

Why? I don't know. It was ridiculous. And childish. He only helped when I was in danger, but _dammit _one of his... friends pointed a freaking _gun _to my cousin's head.

What the hell were they, anyway? I knew Grimmjow wasn't all that innocent. I knew he was in some kind of gang or something. I mean, I wasn't blind. Even if he tried to hide it to the teachers and the school workers, it was pretty damn obvious he worked for something not that legal.

"Kurosaki."

His voice broke me away from my thoughts.

"You're walking past your own house. You wanna take a longer walk or what?"

I turned to glare at him. He was a few meters away from me. Was I really gonna walk past my house? Was I that distracted? I scowled at him and made the move to enter the house.

"Thanks for the walk. You can go now—"

But his hand was holding my wrist.

"What the—let me go you freak!"

"Wait."

"Shut the hell up! I don't want to talk with you! What are you gonna do, point a gun to my head too if I don't let you touch me? I hate you, you damn bastard, I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

He didn't even flinch. Neither did the hold on my wrist. I didn't calm down, and I made the move to punch him, but he _dodged _it. What? I was dumbfounded. How could he dodge my punch? I was pretty good, you know.

He pulled me closer with the hand that was holding my wrist. My eyes went wide, and I turned my head away.

"What the hell are you doing."

Silence.

"Let me go."

Silence.

"I'm not gay, Grimmjow."

Blue eyes narrowed, but he stayed silent.

Our faces were so close right now. I could feel his breath against my lips, and my mouth watered. What is this? What is this what is this what is this?

Why do I want to kiss Grimmjow? A guy? Seriously?

The same hand that seconds before wanted to punch Grimmjow now rested against the other's chest. I could feel his heartbeat. It was fast, nervous, healthy.

_Alive._

I didn't have more questions to ask. Grimmjow seemed to be waiting for me to be done. He dropped his eyelids, and his eyes met my lips. Oh shit, oh shit, is he going to kiss me? What do I do? I don't like guys!

Bullshit.

I liked him.

My lips parted as Grimmjow's met the skin of my cheek. It was a barely-there touch, but I felt it like it was lava running down my cheek, neck, down my chest and into my groin.

I moaned.

I could feel his stupid smirk against my cheek. Fucking bastard. I'm sure he was having so much fun. I was about to tell him to shut up (even if he wasn't speaking), but then those lips moved to mine and he was kissing me.

Kissing me.

Oh god.

This felt like heaven. Don't mistake me, I've kissed and been kissed a lot of times, but they all were drunk, clumsy girls that wanted a quick fuck. But this... this kiss was so damn... _blue. _I had blue all over me. I opened my eyes, and blue was staring back at me. I lifted my hands and I had blue between my fingers, soft, wild, tender, rough.

His blue jeans were pressing against mine. My blue shirt was drinking in his warmth and his scent, and I couldn't have enough.

Grabbing tight fists of soft, sky-blue hair in my hands, I deepened the kiss. Surprisingly, my tongue was the one that moved to meet Grimmjow's instead of the other way around. I felt him shift against me, his muscled, perfect body moving to adjust against my smaller frame, pressing me against the door of my own house.

My mouth opened, his mouth opened. We were practically eating each other, and we couldn't seem to get enough. I felt his arms around me, and I moaned again. God, it was so embarrassing, but he seemed to enjoy it the most.

But too soon he was breaking away from the kiss. We were short of breath, but I quickly launched myself forwards to get more of those lips.

God, they were like a drug.

This time, the kiss I myself initiated was a lot more heated and passionate than our first one. Teeth clashed, tongues met, hands clenched hair, and _fuck _if he continued to grab my ass like that I was gonna lose it then and there.

His knee found its way between mine, and I moaned repeatedly, already rock-hard. Oh god, what were we doing?

Fuck it.

I'll worry later.

But again, he was the one to break the kiss. I groaned in protest, my hands clenching and unclenching on Grimmjow's shoulders. I wanted more. I wanted more of him.

"If we keep this up, we'll end up naked and fucking in front of your house, Kurosaki."

I freaked out.

Fucking? WHAT?

"A-ah." That broke me out of my daze. And, of course, I blushed furiously. I took a step back.

"Don't go denying you're attracted to me anymore after this."

I looked up at him with angry eyes. What the /hell/.

"See you on Monday, Kurosaki."

He pecked my lips. My eyelids fluttered.

I couldn't say anything back and he was walking away.

Oh my god.

I kissed a guy.

What the hell was wrong with me?


	5. Chapter 5

**Yeaaah, yeah, I know it's been a long while. I don't have an excuse other than university and its stubbornness has kept me away of my keyboard. But losing muse to my roleplays suddenly boosted up this one muse. I don't even—whatever.**

**Half of this was written a couple of months ago, but I just finished it. It's 3.25 am, and I can only function properly to write when I'm sleep deprived so… Yeah. **

**I just wanted to say that thank you so much for the reviews, story alerts and favorites! They meant a lot! They make me keep on writing, and even more this story. Thank you very much!**

**I'll try to update more often. I promise. Thank you for reading, and review, please? :)**

**PD: yes, this is from Grimmjow's POV. What does that mean? :O**

* * *

><p>No light, no light<p>

In your bright blue eyes

I never knew daylight could be so violent

A revelation in the light of day

You can't choose what stays and what fades away

And I'd do anything to make you stay

No light, no light

Tell me what you want me to say

[ No light, no light – Florence + the Machine ]

* * *

><p>Kurosaki didn't come to school next Monday.<p>

He didn't come on Tuesday, or Wednesday or Thursday.

By Friday I was so damn pissed off at the stupid kid I couldn't wait any longer. What the hell was wrong with him? He kissed me back. To be honest, I pretty much expected him to reject me the moment my lips met his. I didn't know why I kissed him so soon—I was planning on giving him some more time.

After all, he was straight. Or so he thought.

But I just couldn't resist those pink, moist lips and those glaring, chocolate eyes that stared up at me so angrily it was almost _adorable. _

But when he kissed me back and hell, he _initiated _a kiss himself I couldn't believe my eyes. I was expecting a short, cute kiss but instead he practically devoured my lips.

I feel a grin stretch on my lips. Yes. He was attracted to me. He liked me. I fucking knew it. That's why I always trusted my instincts.

But then, seeing his empty desk at school made me fucking frown again. Stupid kid! I knew he'd deny it, even if I warned him not to. Geez. I'd have to start all over again.

What was he planning anyway without coming to school? He better not be trying to ignore his feelings. Shit, I'd have to kick his ass to get him to open his stupid but damn beautiful eyes.

When school was over, I decided to 'visit' him.

I walked down his street with my hands in my pockets. When I knocked his door, I really hoped he'd be the one to open it because dammit, I've _heard _things of his father.

No one opened.

I scowled and knocked again. The car wasn't parked, but I was sure Kurosaki was home. I saw his window opened, and I _felt _him in there. To try to confirm my suspects, I pressed my ear to the door and listened.

There was no sound.

I stood there, listening to a door like a fucking retard. If someone saw me like that—

Fuck it. He'd have to come back to school sooner or later.

When I was about to leave, I heard a loud crash and an almost as loud curse. I didn't even need to be listening through the door to actually hear that. Stupid Kurosaki.

"Open the fucking door, Kurosaki. I won't bite you, I promise. Unless you want me to."

"Fuck off, Grimmjow."

I could _hear _him blushing next door. I really had to hold back my laugh, because that sure as hell would scare him away.

"Nah, I'll stay here. I'll stay until you open your fucking door. If you don't, I'll make sure I'll wait here until one of your sisters come home. They'll open the door for me and _you'll _have to be _nice _to me."

I was an asshole, but I loved it.

I heard his clothes shifting as he sat down on the other side of the door. I bet he was hugging his knees, like the _girl _he was.

"Grimmjow."

"That's my name, yeah."

"I don't like you."

"Bullshit. Open the door."

"Please, go away. Stay away from me. I don't want to talk to you, or see your face ever again."

"Kurosaki—"

"Grimmjow, go the fuck away."

Okay, he was pissing me off to no end. Was he retarded? Okay, I could imagine he was scared of feeling things towards a dude when he thought he was straight, but _seriously. _He was acting like a kid.

"Open the fucking door."

A few minutes passed, but the door finally opened just a crack. I saw his brown eyes and felt myself drowning in them. Dammit. Those eyes. They were the ones that made me so damn interested in this kid.

"What do you want?" he murmured, so quietly, so broken, so confused. All my anger flew away. He was just a scared kid. A scared kid facing a scary thing. I sighed heavily.

"Can I come in?"

Silence. He stared at me. I didn't know what face I had on but it worked because he let me in. At first, I was planning on attacking him the first time I saw him, but now I thought the best thing I could do was _wait. _

God damn.

I hated waiting, but I wouldn't get Ichigo if I didn't wait.

I took a deep breath, staring at him. He looked kind of surprised I didn't throw myself against him. But... was that... _disappointment? _Heh.

"Grimmjow..."

"Shut up. I understand." I smirked.

I _had _to understand. If I didn't, Kurosaki wouldn't be mine.

"How the fuck could you understand..." that was a low mutter that wasn't supposed to be heard by me, but I still heard it. You see, I have pretty good hearing. That's why Aizen—

"Grimmjow, I was drunk last Saturday."

What?

There was determination in his eyes, almost as if he really believed he had been drunk. I really, _really_ tried not to laugh at his statement.

"We didn't drink last Saturday, dumbass."

"THEN HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT—"

"What? That I kissed you? That you liked it?" I scowled deeply. Kurosaki was really pissing me off. He _couldn't _be this stupid. "You kissed me, you enjoyed it, _get the fuck over it _already. You like dudes, dumbass!"

Okay, maybe I was a bit harsh then. I hurt him. I hurt him bad. His eyes were confused and I saw them as he looked at his fist and his hands balled at either side of those goddamned perfect hips.

He wanted to punch me.

I felt a smirk creep up on my face. Oh yeah? Well, _no one _punched me. But he had already proved me wrong when he hit me last week on our way to school.

Maybe that's what he wanted.

"Oh? What is that?" I made sure my tone was as intimidating as possible, but I knew Kurosaki Ichigo wouldn't be intimidated by it. Nope. He was _good _at fights. That was one of the reasons I liked him so much. "You want to punch me? You want to hit me, Kurosaki?" I leaned in, my face close to the other's glaring eyes. "You wanna beat me up, right? Heh." He lifted his face. We were close, but this time, it wasn't lovers closeness. No, this was different. I could practically smell his desire to shut me up. And he was defiant.

I fucking loved it.

My smirk grew into a grin, and I suddenly, as fast as I can be, grabbed the stubborn kid's front shirt and opened the door, dragging him outside. He struggled, he cursed and he tried to get free, but I was stronger. Once we were out, I shoved him away, and he almost fell on his ass. Oh? Sweet revenge.

"C'mon!" I grinned. "What the fuck are you waiting for?"

He continued to glare at me. "I don't want to fight you, Grimmjow."

Oh, hell, no. Fucking idiot. He was going all noble and shit with me. Well, now I wanted my goddamn fight!

"What is it, Kurosaki? You really don't want to punch me? Seriously? And I thought you weren't a faggot." An exaggerated sigh. "I knew you couldn't put up a good fight. Well, that was disappointing."

"Fuck you, Grimmjow! I'm not like that! I'm not like y—"

"WHAT? Like me? What the fuck are you afraid of, Kurosaki?" I growled pretty loud. I bet his neighbours were freaking out by now. "I thought you were brave! I thought you could bear your own fucking feelings. Are you scared? Are you scared of _what you feel _towards me? And what are you gonna do? Curl up in a ball and wish you couldn't feel, well, sorry to disappoint you but—"

I felt it, his fist connecting with my jaw. Fucking finally. I let him punch me for once, my head craning back as the sound of my clashing teeth echoed in my skull. When I looked back at him, I was grinning. You see, when a fight starts, sometimes I just can't stop myself. I started laughing, and that pissed Kurosaki off even more. Yeah, I could practically smell the fight.

"'Bout fucking time, Kurosaki." Was my only warning before my fist connected with his perfect cheek. I heard a grunt, I caught him by surprise. What? He wasn't expecting that? He really thought he could just stop with one punch? Hah.

But at least it pissed him off because the next time I knew was that he was throwing more punches and kicks and shoves against me and I dodged and blocked and threw my own too. I couldn't stop grinning and Ichigo was sweating and he was so fucking hot I couldn't bear it anymore.

Minutes passed, and I managed to pin him to a wall. I pressed my body to the brat's and looked into his eyes, but he kicked me and fucking _flipped our positions. _Dammit, this asshole was strong.

I breathed a long, hot sigh, my eyelids dropping half-way as I stared into those chocolate pools that had me completely mesmerized.

"Are you going to kiss me, Kurosaki?" I teased, as always. And it worked, because the force he was using to pin me against the wall faltered. "I know you want to. You loved it last time. You just want my lips all over you, on your neck, your chest, your di—"

He punched me silent. Well, I deserved it. I wanted to make him angry, to make him explode and then take the little pieces of Kurosaki that remained and put him back together into someone that understood their own feelings.

That's all that went through my mind as I let myself fall to the ground, coughing. He got me bad on a rib, and maybe it was broken. I felt blood covering my chin, the welcoming warmth running down my neck and staining my shirt.

I stared up at him, and my grin instantly disappeared. Dammit. _Dammit. _That was too far. Those eyes... He was... He was—

"I fucking hate you, Grimmjow."

I could only stare up at him.

"That was disgusting. Disgusting. I just—I want to _vomit._ Grimmjow. I don't like guys. I don't like **you.** I don't want you near me and if you don't go the fuck away now, I'll call the police."

I felt anger boiling in my veins. I felt everything, every word he said, every punch he threw me, every glance, _everything _was making my brain explode, making me want to rip, to punch, to make bleed, to kill, to die.

To destroy.

I stood up, fast as I was. I bet my face was red with anger, my nostrils flaring and my teeth baring. Ichigo's eyes looked actually frightened for a second as the best I turned into approached him, but that only fed the monster and led him on. I grabbed his collar and slammed him hard against the same wall that still had the mark of my sweaty back against it. I heard his head hit the wall, and his cry of pain didn't wake me up of my anger. His scared eyes didn't either.

"I'm fucking sick of **this.**" I started. My glare couldn't even be described, all my hate, _everything _inside me was being thrown to the poor boy's face.

"I'm fucking sick of people like you, people that have their lives solves, that have so many fucking _friends _to care for, so many _people _that love them, a fucking _family, _people that have everything they want and more and don't fucking appreciate it."

That didn't even had to do with Ichigo's case, but I still spat it to his poor face. Holy fuck, I bet he got scared as hell. Dammit, I'm sorry, Ichigo...

"W-Wha—"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP." I slapped him, and the fear of his eyes turned into _hurt _and it made my heart stir and twist and rip open and die but I had to continue because it was _impossible _for me to stop that moment.

"I'm sick of people like you that don't want to admit what they have, what they _can _have, what they really want and what is being presented to them in a fucking tray. You hate me? I'm disgusting? You didn't like our kiss? Well, GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Because you _don't hate me, _you _don't think I'm disgusting, _and you fucking _loved our kiss. _Kurosaki—"

"You ARE attracted to me. Whether you like it or not. You fucking like me, hell, I bet you're hard for having me so damn close to you now."

I heard him whimper and close his eyes. A scared mice facing a scary cat.

And finally, and calmed down. The fingers digging in my future boyfriend's skin loosened their grip, my distorted with rage face turned back to normal and I managed to take a step back and leave him alone.

What have I done? What the hell was I thinking? That wasn't even in my plan. I ruined it. I ruined everything again. Fuck. I could have had it but now Ichigo would push me away and forget me and even call the fucking police. Shit. I'm a failure, I—

"Grimmjow."

I turned to him, my eyes showing just how much it hurt to be a fucking monster that could do nothing but hurt people that I cared for. I just stared at him, not saying anything, my shoulders stiffened and my body frozen.

"Grimmjow." He repeated, taking a step forward. I flinched and stepped away. What the _hell _did he think he was doing? Ichigo was approaching me! Was he mad? I almost... almost—

"You're bleeding. Come here, I have some bandages in the clinic, let me take a look at your lip—"

"I-I—"

There was nothing, _nothing _in this world that I wanted more that moment that was going to Kurosaki's house and getting healed by him, but...

I had hurt him. He hated me, he just said so.

"I understand." He smiled.

_Smiled._

Was he using the same words I used with him the day we kissed? What? I was confused, but my body visibly relaxed, head hanging, blood dripping.

I heard him sigh. Step forward. Cup my face. Then, he was suddenly in my line of sight. I stared into brown eyes before quickly averting mine. Without a word, he pulled me into his house. He sat me down in his bed and grabbed everything needed to clean my face.

I couldn't ask for more.


End file.
